This article has appeared on Entrepreneur, Thrive Global, and Medium.
Karen’s safely back at her desk now, sitting in her ‘not quite comfortable enough’ office chair and fuming. “What just happened back there? she wonders. And, how could it have happened again?”
Her co-worker, whose Superpower is to get firmly and quickly under her skin, has done it again. “She seems hell bent on nixing every idea I have and somehow simultaneously gets the credit and love of my boss. And, I let it happen over and over. I lose my voice in the moment.”
“I know I need to talk to her. Or, do I? Maybe I could just keep avoiding it. Maybe it will all get better on its own. Maybe pigs can fly…”
You know what Karen’s talking about. You’ve been here too. I bet there’s a conversation you are avoiding right this minute, one that makes your stomach feel queasy just thinking about it. It could be something that needs to be discussed with a co-worker, or your boss or a family member.
We avoid or postpone these talks because we think that what we want is wrong. We believe something like:
- I shouldn’t stir things up
- It’s selfish to ask for what I want
- It’s rude to say no
And/or, for this conversation it could be further complicated because:
- The stakes are high
- Emotions run strong
- Opinions are opposed
- You’ve got history with this person
We think, “If I have this conversation, it could affect the relationship that I have with this person going forward. Things might become even worse. If I have this talk, I might say something that I will regret. If I go ahead and discuss this, I could lose my job.”
Whew. With all of those what if’s, no wonder we aren’t doing anything.
The thing is, these conversations are going to keep coming up for the rest of our lives. If you are a manager, the higher you go, the more of these will land in your lap. So what to do?
Luckily, there are some experts who’ve thought this through for us. Some of the best ones wrote Crucial Conversations, a classic. In a nutshell, there are two things we need to do before we have our ‘dreaded’ talk.
Figure Out Your Goals
The first thing is that we have to get right with ourselves, and this may be the hardest part. The authors call it ‘Start with the Heart.’ We must decide want we really want from the conversation – for ourselves, for the other person and for our relationship. Do we want?
- To WIN
- REVENGE
- PEACE at all costs
If we want any of the above, we need to STOP and not pass GO.
First, we have to get right with our intentions. We can’t enter into the conversation hoping to make the other person look bad or not enter it at all because we fear rocking the boat.
Stay Safe
Second, we must realize that the reason that conversations go south is that someone is not feeling safe. Once we don’t feel safe, we shut up or react badly by speaking out. So, we must vow to maintain safety at all costs. When we see that we or the other party are not feeling safe, we have to step out of the conversation. Two conditions make us feel unsafe: we feel like we have different goals or we feel disrespected. Get these conditions cleaned up and the conversation can move forward.
The book goes into much more detail about exactly how to do this. For now, let’s commit to planning a time to have the actual talk, starting with the heart and maintaining safety – all necessary steps for us to regain our precious voices.
Learn more at Joanne’s upcoming webinar: How to have the conversations that you are avoiding. RSVP and get log in details at: RSVP How-to-have-the-conversations-youve-been-avoiding
Joanne Vitali is the Geek Girl coach. A former nuclear engineer and NASA astronaut trainer, she coaches STEM women to attain and retain their rightful leadership roles. She has taught at Wharton and spoken to groups like IEEE Women in Engineering. Her clients include names like Astra Zeneca, Johnson & Johnson and Siemens. Her articles have appeared in Huffington Post and Medium. Her mission is to achieve gender parity with 50% female senior leadership an everyday thing for corporations. She looks forward to helping all Geek Girls own their brilliance.
Photo credit; link to license https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode by Catherine at Flickr
